You Have Reached the U.S. Government

You have reached the U.S. government. We are currently unable to answer your call, because everyone has been fired except Bob. If you would like to leave a message, listen carefully, as most of our menu options have been fed into the wood chipper.

Please note that this call is being recorded so that we can use it against you.

For your safety, do not press the number 9. It is a trigger number for President Trump. That’s as much as we can say about that.

If this is Melania, press 183 if you wish to accept the buyout.

If you are trying to reach the Department of Education, press 167, assuming you know numbers that high. Never mind. The Department of Education is now a subdivision of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives. Ditto for the Environmental Persecution Agency.

If you are calling to inquire about vaccines, they have been replaced by Trump Bibles. To purchase, push 666, and at the sound of the beep leave your credit-card information. On second thought, we already have that.

If you are a federal employee in Washington, D.C., working remotely from your home on Mars, and would like an exemption from our return-to-office requirement, press 437. If you do not have an oil derrick in your back yard, see you at the office tomorrow, 7 a.m.!

If you are calling to request a pardon, press 517 to make a sizable donation to the Reëlect Trump Campaign. Do you think you might give a little more if we told you that the ambassadorships to Albania and Tonga are still available?

If you believe you are gender-nonconforming, press 1 and 0 at the exact same time. See how it doesn’t work? See how God doesn’t like it?

If you are the Pope, press star to surrender. You have twenty-four hours to vacate Vatican City before we send the bulldozers. Leave the tchotchkes, especially the gold ones.

Press 603 if you wish to reserve a suite at the beautifully appointed Trump Sistine Chapel Resort and Spa. (It’s not too late to purchase oven mitts in the gift shop! Made from real Raphael tapestries!)

If you are Adimir-vlay Utin-pay, press 854 to R.S.V.P. “yes” to our off-the-record meeting about you-know-what.

If you are calling from China, fifteen-per-cent network charges may apply. I’m not sure yet about Canada and Mexico. I mean, President Trump isn’t sure.

To make the Department of Government Efficiency more efficient, opt out of your Social Security benefits by pressing 746. If you also opt out of Medicaid and Medicare, as a thank-you we will send you a solid-gold-plated box of R.F.K., Jr., Band-Aids and a bottle of raw milk.

If this is an emergency, do not call FEMA. The agency is installing more fountains near the seventeenth hole of the Trump International Golf Club in Dubai and moving the Persian Gulf in order to create the biggest and best views ever seen in history.

To leave a message for Bob, press 24. He can’t talk right now, because he’s a cat.

If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands, but also stay on the line so a representative can take your address. We’d like to send you a complimentary MAGA hat.

If you are still waiting for Bob to return your call, don’t hold your breath. He was just laid off, along with all the other D.E.I. hires with dark fur. ♦