While alarmists met the White House’s executive order warmup with typical wails, they should be grateful that these Heritage Foundation drafts went unsigned.
Proposal: “Hard Crypto”Formal Title: Cultural Revival Through CommerceEffect: Melting the Liberty Bell into limited-edition coinsRejected for: Stuck beneath the Resolute Desk
Proposal: “New Material”Formal Title: Shielding American Leadership from Stale CritiqueEffect: Fines for allusions to the Roman emperors Commodus, Nero, and CaligulaRejected for: Suppressed the film classic “Caligula”
Proposal: “Jumping to the Future”Formal Title: Leaping Ahead of Economic StagnationEffect: Rapid conversion of countryside into industrial centersRejected for: Wholly plagiarized
Proposal: “Higher Reëducation”Formal Title: Embracing Diversity in Social ScienceEffect: Federal funding for the McMahon Center for Gender Studies, the Hegseth Journal of Women’s History, and Tate Grant for Openweight KickboxingRejected for: “Girlish” Garamond font
Proposal: “Executive Summaries”Formal Title: Optimizing Linguistic Efficiency in LegislatureEffect: Removes words with four or more syllables from laws, executive orders, and amendmentsRejected for: Contained four-syllable words in title, text, and rejection
Proposal: “Frogs for Kids”Formal Title: Restoring Academic Passion in Young AmericansEffect: Mandatory 4chan browsing times and post quotas for secondary-school studentsRejected for: Anticompetitive to rival image boards, Reddit forks, and militias
Proposal: “Bring Them Home”Formal Title: Reclaiming American HomesteadsEffect: Annexation of ShanghaiRejected for: Proposed governor Hugh Hefner died seven years ago
Proposal: “Star Wars”Formal Title: Star WarsEffect: A laser-based missile-defense systemRejected for: Wholly plagiarized
Proposal: “Pledge Week”Formal Title: Preserving Executive Branch CamaraderieEffect: Expands Vice-Presidential duties to Power Hour drinking eventRejected for: Hospitalization of Vice-President
Proposal: “The Oregon Trail 2”Formal Title: Reconnecting AmericaEffect: Funds transcontinental high-speed rail, jump-starting American trade and cultural connectionRejected for: Inside joke, subsequently shredded
Proposal: “Iron MAGA”Formal Title: Maintaining Peace Through PreparationEffect: Construction and storage of a “Gundam” fleet beneath CongressRejected for: Elon prefers “Macross”; has watched neither
Proposal: “Trans Stuff”Formal Title: T.B.D.Effect: [A blank space to be filled in by evangelical donors]Rejected for: Donors favor state-level pogroms
Proposal: “Mar-a-Lago 2”Formal Title: Decreasing the Burden of American AlliesEffect: Annexation of OkinawaRejected for: Proposed governor Vince McMahon declined
Proposal: “Honored Elders”Formal Title: Recognizing the Dignity of American SagesEffect: Establishing a minimum age of sixty-two for citizenshipRejected for: Forgotten
Proposal: “Liberated Youth”Formal Title: Rewarding the Vigor and Ingenuity of American YouthEffect: Eliminates age of consentRejected for: Redundancy with incoming legislature
Proposal: “Blindfolds of History”Formal Title: Protecting Long-Term National Identity from CorrosionEffect: Removal of tax-exempt status from all universities maintaining history departmentsRejected for: Increased tax burden on Princeton donors
Proposal: “Honored Elders”Formal Title: See aboveEffect: See aboveRejected for: Misplaced by junior staff
Proposal: “Newer Testament”Formal Title: Elucidation of Core Faith ValuesEffect: Unsealing of a “lost” Bible verse starring key Administration members, allies, and contest winnersRejected for: Deemed time-consuming, wordy
Proposal: “Setting the Tone”Formal Title: Turning Enmity Into FriendshipEffect: Renaming Iran “Iramerica”Rejected for: Lack of pith (returned for punchup)
Proposal: “Streamlined Delegation”Formal Title: Leveraging Progress to Enrich GovernmentEffect: Establishing a “digital executive” trained on excerpts from the Old Testament, Reagan bio-pics, and “SmackDown”Rejected for: Shredded after “Terminator 3” screening
Proposal: “The Whole Story”Formal Title: Honoring Every Hero of the Civil-Rights MovementEffect: Funds statues of unsung thinkers, officers, and imperial wizardsRejected for: Pen misplaced
Proposal: “Maple Dawn”Formal Title: Reclaiming Lost Glory Through New LandEffect: Annexation of AlaskaRejected for: Alaska attained statehood in 1959
Proposal: “Good Housekeeping”Formal Title: Bringing Security to American HomesEffect: Establishes civilian militias to defend cultural, religious, and commercial valuesRejected for: Impatience ♦
Comments
Leave a Comment