Memo from Jeff to all “Melania” personnel:
• Show “human side” of the First Lady, using body doubles and voice-over.
• Remove thought bubbles of gold bars in scenes with her husband.
• Speed up footage of her thinking.
• Emphasize scenes of her speaking with children, but please edit out the one in which a little girl asks, “Where can I meet a rich, obese man twice my age?” and Melania answers, “Upscale restaurants and saunas.”
• Melania told Fox that the doc will show her “unpacking, moving, and redecorating.” Eliminate scene of her shrieking at a housekeeper, “The box marked ‘new body parts, etc.’ goes in the second-floor linen closet!”
• Use clip of her smiling, but crop out Putin and Chernobyl.
• Emphasize her kindness by filming testimonials from employees, but first advise them not to mouth “Help me!” at the camera.
• Re-create Melania’s rise from impoverished childhood to supermodel success using stop-motion animation with Hummel figurines, and by Photoshopping her head onto a Cindy Crawford Vogue cover.
• Celebrate lasting marital romance with images of other devoted couples.
• Overdub any spoken references to Stormy Daniels with the phrase “storefront spaniels.”
• Add Mike Johnson dressed as a frolicking elf to any scenes featuring Christmas décor.
• To support claims that Melania speaks eight languages, add subtitles in these languages, along with emojis of smiley faces wearing various international hats and weird facial hair.
• Demonstrate Melania’s affection for Ivanka by substituting Ivanka’s face for a Dior cape.
• Show Melania leading a White House tour, but edit out her saying, “And this is another room.”
• Feature Melania’s many close friendships by hiring an actress to say the line “We’ll stay up all night talking about being a stepmom, gardening, and renaming Greenland the Hermès Outlet.”
• Showcase her visiting hospitals by adding a C.G.I. sign that reads “HOSPITAL” to the doors of her lawyers’ offices.
• Highlight Melania’s many dignified appearances at global summits and state banquets with Lego re-creations. ♦
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