You Didn’t Hear This From Me. If you just leaned forward because you were so eager to get to the next sentence, sadly I’m not about to disclose something juicy. It’s the title of a new book celebrating the art of gossip, which it seems you might enjoy. I won’t be reading it though, because I could have written it. I didn’t, because I was too busy gossiping.
The tide seems to be turning on what author Kelsey McKinney gives due respect by calling “everyday storytelling”.
Recently the man with the world’s highest recorded IQ – the threshold for genius is 140, Younghoon Kim, 35, from Korea, measured 276 – said gossip helps his anxiety and boosts his creativity. Finally, this art form is being recognised and applauded rather than sneered at.
I gossip, therefore I am. I love it, and I love other people who love it, especially unlikely candidates. There is something magical about the moment the eyes of some bloke you’d presumed tedious light up as he hears what you let slip, and raises you.
Sharing a killer story is immediately bonding in a way little else manages to be. It’s arguably the greatest gift you can give, and almost charitable, because the best gossip demands to be paid forward. Just make sure you know when to stop i.e. before you get to the person the gossip is about.
In Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind, historian and philosopher Yuval Noah Harari explains that Homo sapiens are such social animals, gossip is key to our survival. So I’m basically saving lives here, one thrilling whisper at a time.
In the last few years I’ve accidentally stumbled on an unexpected gossip goldmine. Anyone on the fence about having children – do it. The early years sleepless nights/poo phase is hardcore, but it’s all paying off now, because I’ve heard some genuinely hair-raising scandals at the school gates.
There is one particular tale that I have not only breakfasted, brunched, lunched and dined out on, but which has also ensured I was the belle of every festive gathering in the area (unless someone else from our class had got there first and already told everybody).
The other parents, whether you know them or only know of them, are a whole new cast of characters to hear all about, but also, the kids. Wow.
The romance gossip is fairly hard to care about – the kids are 10, so it consists of sending their friends to see if their crush likes them back, and if so, never even glancing in each other’s direction, let alone speaking, again. But there are two girls whose friendship is so complicated, twisted and full of intrigue, politics and mind games that I’m totally gripped. It’s Succession, in pigtails.
Yes, I should probably know better, but on a dark, rainy Tuesday in February, this is pretty much all that’s keeping me going.
I believe the children are our future, so I’m now teaching gossip to the next generation by passing my wisdom down to my son. Securing my legacy, if you will. My boy already knows to never – well, hardly ever – reveal his sources, and to check behind him before he starts talking rather than during or after. This is Gossip 101, clearly, but you would be amazed how many fall at this first hurdle.
Like all great mums, I have also drilled good manners into him: if a story is exciting enough, speculating on whether it’s actually true is ungrateful and rude.
And yes, I’ve explained the difference between gossip and a secret, which you keep for a friend who has trusted you with it. Even if it’s agony. Actually, especially if it’s agony. There are some lines you do not cross. Well, one.
It was only recently that I realised how truly gifted I am. I briefly glimpsed two people smoking in the street together and something about their body language made me casually mention it to a friend. A week later their affair was confirmed. I am now gossiping on an almost psychic plane.
It’s too soon to know whether my boy has fully inherited my skill, but the initial signs are promising. And what more could you want for your offspring than a life of spreading joy like this? My greatest wish is that he leaves a trail of open-mouthed, delighted people behind him wherever he goes, already composing WhatsApp messages to their friends so they can be the first to pass it on.
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