DEAR DEIDRE: I’M open-minded when it comes to sex, but my boyfriend’s non-stop, sleazy demands turn me off.
He’s 30 and lives at home with his dad. I’m 27 and live in a flat with my three small kids.
We’ve been dating for just under a year and it is fair to say he is sex mad.
He messages me all day long, demanding nude selfies or explicit texts. I can be busy cleaning the bathroom or running around at a soft-play centre but he expects me to drop everything and respond to him straight away.
If I don’t reply immediately, he video calls me or stalks my online location, accusing me of being out with another man.
His requests were mild at first. They seemed sweet. I liked that he was thinking about me, so I’d happily sneak off to the bathroom and send him a sexy snap.
Or I’d text him, describing how I wanted him to touch me later that night.
But instead of satisfying him, my replies just seemed to ramp things up. Now he’s constantly asking me to do dirtier, seedier things.
He wants me to take photos in humiliating positions, or agree to act out his most sordid fantasies.
Some of his demands make me feel very uncomfortable.
He wants sex two or three times a day and gets angry if I’m not in the mood.
Before I met him I was trying to get healthier so I stopped drinking. But now I’m finding myself turning to alcohol to deal with his demands.
DEIDRE SAYS: Nobody should be pressured into doing anything sexually against their will.
And a loving, caring partner should never ask someone else to do anything that makes them uncomfortable or that feels humiliating.
It’s brilliant that you quit drinking. Don’t let your boyfriend’s demands become more important than your own health.
Even if you agreed to send sexy messages early on in your relationship, you’re not obliged to keep sending them forever.
Consent doesn’t last indefinitely, it must be reviewed and renewed on a regular basis because what people want in bed can change. My Consent support pack explains more.
You can’t carry on like this. It’s important that you have a frank and firm discussion with him.
Explain the effects his demands are having on you and that you want them to stop.
My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, should help you to talk to him assertively without it causing a row.
I hope he will take your feelings on board. If he doesn’t and if nothing changes, I want you to seriously ask yourself whether this relationship is still working for you.
EX STOPS ME GETTING TO KNOW SON
DEAR DEIDRE: MY son is growing up without a father because his mum refuses to let me contact him. How can one woman have the right to eradicate the existence of my entire family?
I’m now 48. Eighteen years ago, I had a very brief relationship with a woman who was living near me. Our arrangement was just sex and ended acrimoniously.
Four months later, I bumped into her in a shop and she told me she was pregnant with my child.
I thought we’d stay in touch so I could support her and our baby but she made it clear that wasn’t on the cards.
I only found out she’d given birth because she passed a note to a mutual friend.
She moved away after that and the only contact information I had for her was her mum’s address. I sent letters and cards over the years begging for news but I never got a single reply.
I also spent hours searching for information on social media but it’s been fruitless.
I’ve since married and had more children. But I’ve never forgotten my son.
Last year, I was badly hurt in a car accident and I had to stay in hospital.
Worried I might die, I sent more letters and cards to my ex and our son, hoping I’d get a chance to finally get to know him, and to introduce him to his half-sisters, before it was too late.
Again, no reply. I’ve nothing to hide, I’m not a criminal, drug addict or alcoholic. Yet my family and I have been treated like I’m the epitome of evil.
Is there anything I can do?
DEIDRE SAYS: It was selfish of your ex to prevent you and your son from knowing each other.
Not only is that very upsetting for you but it has also stopped your son from having a relationship with his extended family. I understand that you must all feel heartbroken over this situation.
If you’d like support in finding him and building a relationship, I suggest you contact bothparentsmatter.org.uk (0300 0300 363), which helps parents to reunite with children, offers legal advice and has a forum where you can talk to other estranged parents.
My support pack, Tracing Someone, might help, too. I hope you hear good news soon.
WIFE DOESN'T LIKE MY BRAS
DEAR DEIDRE: I WANT to wear a bra but my wife won’t let me.
I’m a 65-year-old man. I’ve had severe gynaecomastia since puberty.
My chest feels heavy and uncomfortable and there are visible bumps under my clothes. Out of desperation, I tried wearing a bra. The relief was marvellous.
I’ve been measured professionally and I’m a 42DD.
I want to wear bras all the time now but my wife isn’t keen and it’s causing issues between us.
DEIDRE SAYS: The enlargement of breast tissue in males (gynecomastia) is usually caused by an imbalance in hormone levels.
It’s estimated that at least one in four men aged over 50 have gynecomastia and some wear bras for support and comfort.
A bra will support your chest and back and make you much more comfortable.
I’m sorry your wife isn’t being supportive. Talk to her again to find out what her reservations are.
SEX-HELP CLINIC
DEAR DEIDRE: WHILE I respect my girlfriend’s choice not to have sex – I’m frustrated with her lack of effort to have fun in other ways.
She’s a 32-year-old virgin and we’ve been together for two years. I’m a 30-year-old man.
When we first met, we shared an immediate emotional connection, our relationship felt natural and fun. I expected us to grow closer in the bedroom too but, sadly, that’s never happened.
When I stimulate her, she gets caught up in the moment and enjoys it. But when she tries to return the favour, it feels lacklustre.
She seems unenthusiastic, despite my guidance and encouragement. There’s never any sexy build-up of suspense.
She once said she could live without sex, which hurt my feelings. But confusingly, she has also said that she wants to lose her virginity to me, and not anyone else.
We’re both committed to the relationship, but the lack of progress in our sex life is wearing me down.
DEIDRE SAYS: There are plenty of people who don’t enjoy sex. Perhaps they had a bad experience, or their upbringing may have made them feel sex a duty and nothing more, or perhaps they lack confidence.
But two things stand out here: the fact she once said she could live without sex and her lack of enthusiasm. Both suggest this is more than just inexperience.
Your partner might be asexual – where she doesn’t experience any sexual attraction at all or dissociates (shuts down) in bed.
Alternatively she may not have discovered her own sexuality. Read my support packs, Afraid To Have Sex? and If She Doesn’t Want Sex. These explain more about women’s libidos.
Talk to her about her feelings on sex for more understanding – sex therapy could help too. The College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (cosrt.org.uk, 020 8106 9635) can provide you with more details.
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