Sitting in a buzzy restaurant in Mexico City at the end of a month-long holiday, Wanja Mary Sellers prepares to say goodbye to her husband.
The actress has been happily married to film director Fabrizio Laurenti for nearly 40 years and they have three children together. Yet in less than 24 hours they will go their separate ways – Fabrizio to his home in Rome and Wanja to her flat in London – without knowing when they will see each other again. Wanja, 63, who describes Fabrizio, 68, as the love of her life, believes they have the perfect arrangement.
“Living 1,100 miles apart for the last decade is the secret to our incredible marriage,” she says. Wanja has always been independent and up for adventure. In 1980s New York she was a 20-something aspiring actress, waitressing while looking for parts, when she auditioned for the lead role in a movie called The Immigrant. She got the job – and clicked with the Italian director.
“Shooting was such fun,” she says. “Fabrizio and I began dating and fell in love. When he needed to go back to Rome for work and asked me to come, I instantly agreed. I was young, in love and wasn’t going to turn down an Italian adventure.”
Busy careers meant spending weeks or even months apart – but their love thrived nonetheless. “We were doing things our own way,” Wanja says. “That meant respecting each other’s passions and independence.”
They got married in March 1985. “One quick trip to the town hall and, at 23, I was a wife,” Wanja says. “For two years we were in the opposite of a newlywed bubble, dashing off to exciting projects and being apart as much as we were together. It was never a hardship.”
Their son was born in 1991 and two daughters in 1996 and 2002 – and even then Wanja kept her independence. “Whether we were based in Rome, LA or New York, the children had two parents who loved each other, without losing their sense of self,” she says. “We jokingly called it our ‘together-not-together’ dynamic.”
In 2014, after 19 years of marriage, Wanja no longer wanted to live in Rome and decided to move to London, where her eldest daughter was studying. “As soon as I suggested the idea, Fabrizio agreed I should go for it,” she says. “It might sound strange for a wife to move 1,100 miles away from the husband she loves, especially as I’d be taking our youngest daughter, then 13, with me. But to us the cities seemed close and there were lots of flights.
“Our relationship was rock solid, built on love, trust and knowing that being fulfilled and independent made our marriage stronger. We didn’t draw up a schedule of who would travel when, or how often we’d call or text. After years of going with the flow we didn’t need to.”
In the first year, the couple made trips back and forth often – and this worked so well that they carried on living far apart. “We’d always had different personalities,” she says. “I’m spontaneous, love to party into the night with friends and sleep in late. He’s an intellectual who enjoys long discussions with friends and getting up early. He loves to cook and eat amazing food – I’ll gobble something straight from a can.
“Having our own homes in our own cities meant we could be ourselves completely, bringing those happy selves together when we met. We could both work, me as an actress and him as a film director, as much as we wished and quickly settled into a happy rhythm.”
The pair always spend the summer together, which is when they celebrate their wedding anniversary and Christmas too. Aside from that, they see how the mood takes them. “If I see a great deal on a Eurostar ticket to Paris on a Monday, I text Fabrizio and we’ll meet there that weekend,” she says. “If I want to escape the city, I can be relaxing in his Italian garden within a few hours or he can be exploring London with me.
“Whether we’re in Ischia for my birthday, in Amsterdam for a few days, travelling in Cuba or visiting family in Central America it’s always a choice to be together. We don’t run into one another’s arms at the airport. We just click back into place. It feels as natural to be together as it does to be apart.”
And one added bonus is that their set-up helps keep the romance alive. “When it comes to intimacy, for a couple who’ve been married almost 40 years we’re doing great and I’m sure that living apart helps with that,” she says.
There are, of course, downsides to living apart. Fabrizio, for example, is the handy one and great with technology, and Wanja has had to figure out how to deal with problems like that by herself. “But that stops me being complacent and keeps me independent,” she says. “As a woman of a certain age, it’s good to know that I can take care of myself.”
Another boon is that when they do speak, they don’t have to talk about a broken tap or an annoying neighbour. Not everyone can comprehend how a happily married couple can spend up to six months apart. Wanja and Fabrizio don’t necessarily even speak on the phone every day. “I know how strange that sounds to other people,” Wanja says. “In the UK, the first thing people ask is, ‘So, do you see other people?’ That assumption drives me crazy. Fabrizio and I are committed to each other and that wouldn’t change whether we lived in the same house or 1,000 miles apart.”
On the other hand, Wanja has lost count of how many women have told her how fantastic her situation sounds and how jealous they are. “I know how lucky we are to be able to make this work financially,” she says. “But I think that more women should be able to put their own needs first in a marriage and the key to that is choosing a man who respects them.”
In the future, she and Fabrizio may live together in Latin America and Wanja has started learning Spanish. But for now they are happy as they are. “I know this set-up is as good for Fabrizio as it is for me,” she says. “When it comes to marriage, absence really does make the heart grow fonder.”
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