The parental battle lines have been drawn, the armour of eye rolls and judgy not-really-under-the-breath comments put on. The controversy in question: the word “no” – and more specifically, whether it should be used around children.
Now, I grew up hearing a lot of “we’ll see” when I asked for something as a child. I remember feeling mugged off when I worked out this was my parents’ delay tactic to avoid outbursts from refusing my no-doubt-unreasonable requests, so I have no qualms at saying a firm no to my children.
I’ll always explain why I’m not comfortable with, for example, furniture gymnastics (“we don’t want another trip to A&E”) rather than giving no justification or uttering an authoritarian: “Because I said so”. But I wonder if the balance of nos has tipped recently in our home and I could say yes more.
So I’m interested in the growing number of parents who try to avoid the word altogether. Mother-of-two and gentle parenting coach Kelly Medina Enos says she changed her language when her son, five, was one-and-a-half and hitting her regularly. At that time, she had a “no” parenting style and although it felt counterintuitive, she started trying the opposite.
“I started using positive language, telling him what I wanted him to do, not what I don’t want,” she says. “Young children especially don’t hear the words ‘no’, ‘stop’ and ‘don’t’ – so if you say ‘don’t touch the wet paint’ they literally remove the word ‘don’t’ and will touch it. My words were falling on deaf ears.”
She still has boundaries and is not a permissive parent who lets anything go, but uses positive language to influence her children’s behaviour. “If my son George or daughter Ariella are climbing, I’ll say: ‘Feet on the floor please’. It’s astonishingly effective. If they continue, I’ll say: ‘Either mummy can help you down or you can get yourself down’ – giving options helps. If they continue, I’ll say: ‘Okay, mummy is going to choose.’ And I’ll pick the child up and place them down on the floor.” She doesn’t believe ‘no’ is terrible, simply ineffective.
I shared a holiday lodge with a couple of friends a few years ago and was struck that no didn’t feature in their vocabulary. I asked one whether she still avoids saying it to her daughter, now seven.
“I don’t often say no: we compromise and talk about things – my daughter communicates intensely. If I get overwhelmed by constant sound I say, ‘I need you to stop’ rather than no. But I say it when it comes to safety, school-night antics and plain ridiculous purchases,” she tells me. “Explaining why not is how I tackle the not-so-many nos. When my child disliked someone using her felt-tip pens and demanded ink be taken from the other child’s picture and put back in the pen, the no came with a rather intense explanation.”
Other parents believe the word “no” is crucial, such as sleep consultant Daisy Fearns, founder of The Parenting Experts Academy, who says using it is “one of the most important things we can do as parents.”
She says: “It’s not about being harsh or unkind – it’s about teaching healthy boundaries, safety and preparing children for life’s realities. When children learn no means no, they develop an understanding of limits and respect.
“If a child runs toward a busy road, they need to listen and stop immediately. If they’ve learned no is negotiable, they might hesitate – or worse, ignore us completely. By being consistent and following through when we say no, we teach them words have meaning and certain rules are non-negotiable.”
The effect of not hearing “no” can be seen in schools, Kate Pattison, former teacher and founder of Learn Happy tutoring company, says. “During my career, I’ve noticed children who are told yes a lot can struggle with boundaries, lack emotional resilience, find it difficult to regulate their emotions and impulses – and sometimes struggle in social situations as they can always expect to have it their own way. ”
She believes it’s important when saying no to make sure children still feel heard and respected. “I explain reasons behind decisions, fostering open communication and mutual respect,” she says. “When done with love and explanation, saying no strengthens children’s self-esteem by teaching them they can handle life’s challenges, and nurtures their understanding that love and limits can coexist.”
One friend and former “yes mum” has deliberately introduced the word “no” because she was worried her very kind nine-year-old son was becoming “entitled”. She started saying yes more when he was six.
“My philosophy at the time was ‘why say no if I can say yes?’. It led to more child-led play and den building. But as he got older and I said no occasionally, he couldn’t always cope – it’s like he’s not used to hearing it. I often back down, but I need him to accept me saying no. We’re working on it.”
I notice all the parents I’ve spoken to across the yes-no divide share a belief of explaining why they’re putting boundaries in place. I still want to know if there’s an empirical answer to the no debate, so I speak to clinical psychologist Dr Martha Deiros Collado, author of How to be the Grown Up, published in paperback this week. “Most children hear the word “no” around 50 times a day when they’re very little. If it’s used all the time, it becomes background noise and they stop hearing it. But don’t be scared of using your no – it’s important,” she says.
With her toddler, she differentiates between “emergency” no moments, such as when her daughter grabbed the oven door and Deiros Collado shouted no, and when she had a pen and was running towards the sofa. “I said ‘pen is for paper’ and diverted her attention. I’m mindful of language and tell her what to do instead,” she says. “No, for me, is for emergencies, safety and body boundaries. It’s important to say no: nobody gets hurt and love doesn’t get broken.” She says it’s important parents also immediately respect a child’s no, such as with tickling.
Deiros Collado often tells parents to ‘find their yes’. “Science suggests the brain becomes receptive when we hear yes, for adults as well,” she explains. So if you suggest a holiday and your partner’s instant response is ‘no, we haven’t got money,’ it shuts down the conversation. In children it can create emotional outbursts, however if you hear their views, listen and connect over their wish, they feel understood. You can still set the boundary and explain you can’t afford the item, but say you’ll remember how special it is to them – and they’ll be more receptive to no.”
I try following in Deiros Collado’s footsteps and say “yes” more, saving “no” for safety, body boundaries and emergencies. When my son Xavi doesn’t want to stop playing to get dressed for school – understandable on the first week after half term – I empathise and say: “Yes, we’ll play again once you’re dressed.” It’s effective. I find it gives me a real sense of calm. And when my youngest daughter Juno, two, asks to watch The Snowman when I’ve said we’re going up to bed, instead of: “No, it’s bedtime,” I say: “Yes, we’ll watch it tomorrow, it’s bedtime now.” She immediately comes upstairs with me. There is something in this – I’m delighted to discover the power of yes.
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