Recently I had to tell another parent about a message I had seen on my daughter’s phone in a group chat. It was less than complimentary about her child – in fact it was a classic case of bullying. She was extremely grateful. She was totally unaware of what was going on because, unlike me, she didn’t look through her child’s phone.
My daughter is in Year 7, and yes, I read her messages. Some parents will call it an invasion of privacy, a sign that I mistrust my child, or even that I am a “helicopter parent“. But I don’t see it like that. Instead, I see scrolling through my daughter’s phone as an act of responsible parenting, as a way to guide her through the minefield that is growing up in the digital age.
We live in a world where children’s social lives are no longer confined to the playground, where bullying doesn’t stop at the school gates, and where harmful content is just a few clicks away.
The idea that a child, aged 11 years old, whose brain is still in a critical stage of development, should be left to navigate this landscape without any parental oversight is, frankly, naïve. That’s why I monitor my daughter’s phone. Not because I don’t trust her, but because I know that having a phone isn’t always a safe place to hang out.
Grooming, cyberbullying, peer pressure and inappropriate content are all very real dangers and at age 11, she won’t always have the awareness and understanding of when something isn’t right. It would be reckless of me to assume otherwise.
Children today are growing up in a very different world to that of previous generations, who never had to deal with being constantly connected and constantly available, which is why, after a lot of deliberation about whether to allow our daughter a smartphone or not, we handed her one at the end of Year 6, with very strict Ts & Cs attached.
Firstly, it is not her phone. It has been given to her on “loan” and if she fails to meet the conditions of having it, it is gone. Once she has demonstrated that she can navigate the online world and all that comes with having a phone, we will happily allow her to have her own and take on the responsibility that comes with it. When will this be? Likely once she is 16 and mature enough to handle it.
My husband and I also have parental controls on her device that we can access via our own phones. We set a daily limit (two hours) and a cut off time (7pm), for her phone use; we stop her downloading apps without permission and restrict content, including blocking sites; and we do spot checks and go through her scrolling history and chats on a regular basis – usually every few days.
You see, the reality of a Year 7 group chat is that they are often full of drama, peer pressure and harmful content, hidden among the overuse of GIFs, pictures of pets and chain messages telling you that “your mum will die if you don’t share this message”.
So far, I have witnessed bullying, children seeking validation on their “fits” (outfits, for the unaware) and artwork, plus 11-year-old boys sending entirely inappropriate images of women, by way of avatars and AI. Many parents may find this shocking, but when kids as young as nine are being exposed to online porn, is it really that surprising?
There have also been instances where my daughter has been added by friends to groups with complete strangers as members, many of whom are older teen boys and grown men.
Ignorance isn’t bliss in these situations, and by keeping tabs I am giving my daughter the tools to make wise decisions and come to me if she feels out of her depth.
My approach is not to judge or blow a gasket about what I stumble across, but to offer my viewpoint and give context to what it means. Do I enjoy having conversations about deepfake porn, bullying, consent and violation with my 11-year-old? Of course not, I don’t know a parent who would, but it is a necessary part of parenting these days.
Not giving her a smartphone would make life easier for us, but for her, it would feel unfair when all her friends have one and the sad reality is that she would end up excluded from social connections.
As she matures, the reins will become looser, but in the meantime, I am holding firmly onto them, whether she likes it or not.
Kirsty Ketley is a parenting consultant and freelance writer
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