Maria, 68, has resigned herself to the fact that she won’t, as it turns out, be a grandmother. She has an active busy life and is grateful for all that she has. But when she sees her friends with their grandchildren – taking toddlers to the park, enjoying big, noisy family lunches or bouncing babies on their laps – she struggles to hold back her emotions.
‘‘I am sad about not being a grandmother but understand my children have their own lives and choices,” says Maria, who is retired and lives with her husband in London. “However, I get teary when I hear my friends talking about their grandchildren or seeing them together – especially if their children have grown up with mine.
‘‘It hurts if people ask me when my daughters are going to have families. But I tell them that it is their business and not mine.”
Neither of her two adult children want to start a family. ‘‘One of my daughters has recently transitioned,” she says. ‘They are separated from their partner. My other daughter, who’s 39, is very busy with her work and has said she doesn’t want children.”
Along with her sadness that she won’t experience grandparenting, and her family won’t see a new generation as she thought it would, she worries her daughter will be lonely as they age.
Climate change, world events and rises in the cost of living – along with the fact that more people are choosing a childfree life have led to a fall in birth rates in the UK, and many other countries. The result is that growing numbers are experiencing the often unspoken grief of not being a grandparent.
Research shows that most parents look forward to grandparenthood as a “life goal” that will give them a sense of fulfilment. It also shows that unfulfilled expectations around grandparenthood can lead to genuine feelings of loss. But the issue is proving divisive – with younger childfree people expressing frustration at the blame and judgment being levelled at them for “denying” older generations the joy of grandchildren.
Susie, 69, from Manchester has been supporting her son and his partner through five years of trying to conceive – while trying to put her own feelings to one side. He is her only child and they are both in their early forties.
“I feel their pain,” she says. “Yet I also feel I’m being deprived too. I yearn to have a grandchild in my arms. I’d always looked forward to being a grandmother. I saw it as a chance to really enjoy having little ones without having the responsibility of bringing them up.”
Societal expectations means that the loss seems to affect women more than men, something that definitely resonates with Maria. ‘‘The world in general expects that a woman of a certain age is a grandmother. Why does nobody ask older men if they are grandparents? I do think that men are less bothered. Certainly, my husband isn’t concerned,” she says.
Psychotherapist Anne Waddington says the yearning for grandchildren can be strong, and especially powerful for women. “Nurturing can be at the heart of all this,” she says.
“Even if people have had their own children, they might still have a lot of nurture to give. For others, there might be an unresolved relationship with their own children, or they feel that, having learnt by experience, they would like to do things differently as grandparents.”
Waddington suggests that those who yearn for grandchildren should treat their offspring and themselves with compassion. “Be kind to yourself. But also notice what is of value around you and enjoy it right now. It might be as simple as taking a different walk; finding a new hobby or physical challenge; or volunteering.”
While many not-grandparents feel they are missing out, focusing on other things can help to change your outlook. Maria has been helping a refugee family of newcomers from Afghanistan. “We’ve developed a close relationship which has been wonderful.”
She adds: “I’m not one of those women who feel that their lives lack meaning because of not being a grandmother. I like to think that older women have other meaningful roles such as partners, friends, volunteers and community members.
“Life could have many more struggles. Find a way to engage with children in some capacity, such as through a volunteer role or friendship.”
Organisations such as Adopt a Grandparent pair volunteers with the elderly community, often in care homes, to reduce feelings of loneliness and isolation.
Some not-grandparents are perfectly happy with their family affairs. One woman I know, who struggled with the demands of motherhood tells me she has never wanted grandchildren because she has no desire to return to the days of looking after a baby – even in the grandparental role.
“It might sound selfish but I am now enjoying life travelling and doing what I want,” she says. “I’ve got friends who have just retired but can’t go away when prices are cheaper because their children expect them to step in with granny day care. One doesn’t even get a ‘thank you’ or a bunch of flowers. She’s just given a ‘what to do’ list. If my daughter does have a baby, I’m certainly not going to do more than the odd bit of babysitting.”
Others have found a way to accept the situation. “I am not a grandmother, and I don’t think I will ever be,” says Josephine, a 76-year-old retired teacher from Dorset. “I don’t feel any regret about it. My children and their partners made the decision based on fundamental reasons, and they both fully agreed upon it. My happiness as a mother is to see them happy, and that joy is immeasurable.”
Jenny, 72, is a retired nurse from Birmingham, who has come to terms with the fact that it’s unlikely she’ll become a grandmother. “Initially, I was upset when my daughter said she wasn’t going to have children because of all the unrest in the world. But last year, I read a magazine article about all the things we do have that others before us didn’t.
“For example, we’re free to hop on a train with our senior railcard or accept invitations from friends without turning them down because we’re committed to helping our children’s children. In the UK today, there are lots of opportunities for older women which weren’t around in previous generations.”
If you are a grandparent, it is worth being aware that it can be a sensitive topic for friends who aren’t, advises Ann Richardson, author of Celebrating Grandmothers in which grandmothers talk about their lives. “It can be painful if grandparent friends show off even if they don’t mean to,” she says. “Flaunting photographs can be enough. However, some get comfort from being an honorary grandmother to the offspring of friends and relatives.”
I have two grandchildren and enjoy an active role in their life, but try not to talk too much about them to friends who don’t have them. If the conversation in a group becomes grandchildren-heavy, I change the subject. I do know people, though, who experience grandparenting in different ways: they get huge pleasure from nieces, for example, or friends’ children, and other young people in their life.
When I married my second husband – a bachelor without children – a wise aunt told me at the wedding that he would make a wonderful grandfather. She was right.
Due to the sensitivity of this subject and the impact on adult children, all names have been changed.
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