Cristiano Ronaldo is 'delusional' for thinking he's 'most complete' player ever

I'm starting to think Cristiano Ronaldo might have a screw loose – which is ironic, given he's a colossal tool.

He's just claimed to be the most complete footballer of all time, which is like claiming HS2 is the most complete railway of all time.

You can't be complete when 95% of your goals are tap-ins and you flap your arms more often than you pass to a team-mate. For crying out loud, the bloke's barely set foot outside the box since 2012 – except to launch the odd free kick into low orbit.

The mad thing is, Ronaldo just turned 40, yet he still reeks of insecurity like Kanye West reeks of unhinged bigotry.

Being in Lionel Messi's shadow has left him more crippled than Tottenham's dressing room, and like Spurs, he's now just a sad, desperate mess.

Oh, and while I'm moaning, I guarantee he'll try to claim scoring 1,000 goals is bigger than winning the World Cup or something equally ludicrous once he gets there.

Because in that egotistical cesspit he calls a mind, there's a fantasy world even more deluded than the one where Arsenal fans imagine themselves winning the Champions League.

Jadon Sancho's got some brass neck for a guy with fewer goals than Harry Maguire in the last 18 months.

With all the professionalism and self-awareness of a tipsy driving instructor, he took a swipe at Manchester United – who, lest we forget, are still paying part of his wages – with a veil so thin that even Velma could see through it without her glasses. Jinkies.

Under Marcus Rashford's Instagram post about his Aston Villa debut, Sancho wrote: "Freedom", as if his former team-mate had just escaped Shawshank rather than a £325k-a-week contract he'd deserved in the same way a toddler deserves a chainsaw.

Maybe the reason United players need 'freedom' at all is because the club is infested with petulant prima donnas like Sancho who'd rather score points on social media than make Enzo Maresca think twice about hooking him for Tyrique George. Who? Exactly.

The Premier League wants to crack down on 'mocking' goal celebrations, in what has to be the biggest case of snowflakery since Liverpool fans petitioned to get the 2018 Champions League final replayed because Mo Salah got injured.

Why does everything mildly controversial these days have to be sanitised by a bunch of puritanical, pencil-pushing gargoyles with bigger "I live with my mother" energy than Principal Skinner?

Football is a tribal game. It's unapologetically inflammatory, and like Reece James' hamstrings, things are supposed to pop off every now and again. Besides, we don't need protection from obnoxiousness. I'd rather just call someone a w*nker and be done with it.