A Troubleshooting Guide to Your Moving Wall of Spikes

Problem: Moving wall of spikes starts inching across room toward victim, stops midway; straining sounds.

• Cat toy stuck between moving wall and floor?

• Electric motor disconnected from solar panels?

Problem: Victim of aborted wall migration begins screaming that you are crazy, to let him out of there.

• Tell victim moving wall was a joke, offer to get him piece of chocolate cake, glass of milk.

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Problem: Victim does not like chocolate cake or milk.

• Provide victim with any type of snack or beverage he wants (within reason).

• Re-start moving wall of spikes.

• Tell victim, via Spike-rophone, that maybe you are crazy, but now it’s he who is going to die; laugh.

Problem: Moving wall of spikes completes migration across room, but victim is not impaled.

• Safety tips left on spikes?

• Victim escaped via air-conditioning duct?

Problem: Victim has escaped and may alert authorities.

• Demand refund from air-conditioning company for repairman leaving grate off duct.

• Assemble mutants, tell them to hunt down, kill escapee.

Problem: Mutants refuse to track down escapee over back-pay issues.

• Option 1: Agree to mutants’ demands.

• Option 2: Unscrew spike from moving wall, hide in pocket. Agree to meet with mutant leader. Pretend to be considering demands, then pull out spike and stab mutant leader in the neck. Yell at mutants, “Now obey me, swine! ”__

Problem: Mutant leader not killed.

• Safety tip still on spike?

• Mutant organs not in normal spots?

• Re-stab.

Problem: Mutant leader unaffected, other mutants offended at being called swine.

• Option 1: Issue formal apology to mutants, agree to new contract and promise to undergo sensitivity training.

• Option 2: Set timer on bomb, escape on Heli-Spike-ter.

Problem: New software on bomb timer impossible to figure out. Looking for instruction manual when surrounded by mutants.

• Agree to terms; roll eyes and shake head when signing contract.

• Gaze wistfully out window; wonder if it’s all even worth it.

Problem: Things back to normal, but then cat goes missing. Neighbor returns cat, thinks wall of spikes is genius work of art, says he is art critic and will write review.

• Option 1: Kill him anyway.

• Option 2: Let him go, consider new art projects.

Problem: Review is scathing.

• Vow to never trust anything any art critic ever says. ♦