And whether you’re single or in a relationship, the excessive (and somewhat vomit-inducing) romance-fest of the Valentine’s season may have made you feel a little inadequate.
But now that the month is over and the scratchy lingerie is consigned to the back to the drawer, it’s worth remembering that real, lasting love is a lot more complicated.
When you’ve been with someone for years, the excitement and passion comes alongside a number of mundane, petty or outright unpleasant moments — from dealing with each other’s rude relatives to unashamedly farting in front of each other.
So to try and show a more honest view of long-term relationships, we asked people about the realities they’ve learned once the ‘honeymoon period’ was over.
Nerys, 57, who’s been married for 36 years
‘When got married in the 90s, things were very different for women. I have always had to work full time but I was still expected to do all the domestic stuff and the majority of the parenting too. I resented that a lot at the time. I look back now and wonder how I ever managed to cope… I just had to. I couldn’t afford to leave!
‘Nowadays we have a great relationship and things are much more equal, but we had to go through a lot to get here.’
Tom, 30, who’s been with his girlfriend for four years
‘Your sex life will dwindle at some point. It doesn’t mean you don’t love the person you’re with as much as you did before, but the sex itself kind of gets old and repetitive.
‘If you can be okay with the struggles in this section of your life though, the bond between you two will hopefully become stronger. As I’ve got older sex itself really is not everything; it’s wonderful and beautiful don’t get me wrong, but it’s the company and support that will take you further than the “nookie” could ever do.’
Leila, 55, who’s been with her partner for 9 years and whose longest relationship lasted 16 years.
‘Being in love only gets you so far. Making it work requires honesty, kindness, caring, effort, companionship and respect. I also think sharing interests but not losing sight of your own interests and friends, and loving the person for who they are (not who you expect them to be) are hugely important.
‘Sometimes though, it’s realising that it doesn’t always work, and that getting out of an abusive relationship can be hard but worth it. It’s possible to love and be loved again.’
Karen, 56, who’s been married for 29 years
‘We have had to learn to accept our differences and work on things. The difference in the way we grew up has been interesting.
‘Due to work (army service) there were times when we apart for months, so writing old fashioned letters kept us in touch and helped us learn about each other.’
Duncan, 36, who’s been married for 17 years
‘Dark humour becomes a staple of a long term relationship – you have to feel safe and trusting to say whatever you want to one another. Insulting each other in a tongue in cheek way becomes almost a type of foreplay, whether that’s poking fun at receding hairlines and chin hairs or reminding each other of embarrassing moments that still live rent free. Pet names inevitably change from cringers like ‘babe’ to things a bit less kind but way more playful.
‘Rather than hiding flaws like in a new relationship, we wear them proudly so the other half can help us. I help my wife respond to social situations while she helps me deal with money and practical things.
‘You also develop a secret language for many occasions, particularly in forced social situations where you need someone to bitch with. And you will lose friends, and care less and less about the acquaintances that used to take up your time.
‘Life will get boring. Where initially, it’s all about passion, date nights and excitement, the most satisfying moments become picking out a new lamp for the living room or finding a quicker system to do the weekly shop. This is both depressing and wonderful all at once.
‘Sacrifice is necessary. You inevitably have to change your approach to your personal dreams to try and achieve joint ones. You will see your own friends less. You might have to give up a hobby and you will have to alternate where you go for Christmas and birthdays. All worth it though. Mostly. Maybe.
‘All that said, we never go to bed on a row and we tell each other we love each other every day – so we are a walking cliche both in year one and in year 17.’
Clare, 30, who’s been with her fiancé for nine years
‘Over the years you realise love is a choice as well as a feeling; you have to choose to prioritise that person and put the effort in, even on days when you have a million other things on your mind.
‘Especially nowadays where there are so many options, some people just move on when that initial “spark” fades, but (and I know this is a cliché) the grass is greenest where you water it. You know you’ve found the one if they still find you sexy after they’ve held your hair back when you’re throwing up, kept you company while you’re peeing, or helped you tweeze out your ingrown hairs.’
Fay, 31, who’s currently single but was with her last partner for four years
‘What I’ve learned about long-term love, and loving a mentally unwell person, is that no matter how much you try, you can’t will someone to health and happiness. Despite your efforts, the frustrations will embed within you and take its toll on you and your relationship, only adding a further burden on your partner.
‘But it’s okay to stop and decide to take care of yourself instead. Sometimes leaving is kinder – even when it’s the harder thing to do.’
Chelsea, 30, who’s been with her boyfriend for 14 months but whose longest relationship lasted 10 years
‘I have learnt that the longer the relationship, the more poor treatment we are willing to accept. Life happens and people cannot be perfect all the time, however I found my tolerance for what behaviour I would accept expanded, and not for the greater good. I let my ex partner cross boundaries that I would not have time for now and it made me question my own worth. It dulled my sparkle, made me lose myself, I didn’t know who I was as I lost myself way in life trying to wade through the bulls***.
‘On another note, it taught me many great lessons and wisdom that I can take into other relationships. If you let them, they can be like a parasite sucking the life out of you. They can also be the greatest blessing to have found your person, making you feel like you’re walking about with love hearts buzzing out of your head. I couldn’t imagine life without my current partner; my last relationship fell apart when it did, so that I could walk into this one at the exact time that I did.’
Rose, 33, who’s been with her partner for a year but whose longest relationship lasted 10 years
‘I’ve learned that being single is better than having to constantly work on it – and that when people say “marriage is work” they should be referring to work like making a sculpture or a painting, not work like 15 hours in a call centre.
‘A good partner will adapt to make you feel safe and secure. There is always an element of compromise and knowing absolutely everything about your partner’s inner workings is not the key to happiness.
‘I’d also recommend having a ‘f*** off fund’ and a planning for what your life would look like if they died or left. Don’t be afraid to start again.’
James, 41, who’s been with his partner for eight years
‘I believe there’s someone for everyone but don’t expect to be everything for them – make room for yours and their own interests and hobbies, and remember distance makes the heart grow fonder.
‘Through my long-term relationship, I’ve learned invaluable truths about myself, love and what it’s really like to find ‘your person’. Not a day goes by that I don’t consider myself the luckiest man alive. I’ve also realised the importance of showing up for one another in moments that really matter – sure, celebrating successes and offering comfort during difficult times are a no brainer, but checking in with regular one on ones too.
‘Being with my boyfriend has shown me what it truly means to feel secure and valued, and for the first time, I am allowed to be my true authentic self without fear of being shamed. When I look back to past relationships where this wasn’t the case, I can’t believe I stayed so long putting up with it.’
Dan, 31, who’s been with his girlfriend for four years
‘Arguments aren’t a bad thing; opening up and being really clear with communication is so important. Also, having space and separate hobbies to your partner is vital, as without that it’s easy to blend into one person.
‘As you get older, the worry about having different sexual partners isn’t there as much – if you really care about the person you’re with and are truly comfortable then only being with one person for the rest of your life is more of a relief. Being single, it was always difficult for me to commit to one person in fear of never sleeping with anyone else, but when you truly love someone you realise that happiness is a greater need than sex.’
Ellie, 27, who’s been with her boyfriend for five-and-a-half years
‘You’re always going to love each other, but sometimes, you’re not always going to like each other. I think the biggest myth we’re sold about long-term relationships is that we’re supposed to like each other and get on all the time. The truth is, your partner is going to get on your nerves sometimes – but that doesn’t mean that you love them any less. As long as you can still respect one another and communicate through it, that’s okay.
‘You’re not always going to hear what you want to hear from them, and you might not like it, but it’ll be good for you in the long-term. A little bit of brutal honesty (not hurtful, just a little bit more direct) can go a long way if you’re in the throes of an argument and you’re in need of a bit of valid (but kind) criticism. You’re also not going to agree on absolutely everything, but as long as you’ve got most of your world values down as broadly similar, that’s healthy.
‘While you’re still going to be spoiled and loved by your partner, romance will look a little different once you’re years into your relationship. I think that society still has this idea that romance is about big gestures like red roses and huge romantic dinners, but over time, I’ve found that the little gestures all add up to something even bigger and more valuable: a cup of tea in bed in the morning, asking you how you slept, taking on the dinner organisation even though it’s technically your turn to do it.
‘You’re also probably not going to be tearing each other’s clothes off multiple times a day anymore – or not as often, at least. And that’s okay!’
Steve, 40, who’s been with his partner for 11.5 years
‘Romance, passion and spontaneity spark things off, but it’s trust, space, tolerance, respect and the ability to find at least one long-running television show that you both like that keeps things going.’
Ali, 30, who’s been with his partner for seven years
‘Knowing somebody so intimately is pretty special and can only really happen with time. There’s also so much to be said for just feeling completely comfortable in your partner’s company – and again, this only gets better with time.
‘Of course you need the odd reminder not to take your relationship and partner for granted. We don’t go out as much as we used to for instance as we’re in a more settled stage of our lives. But knowing you’re both aware of this, and always making the most of date nights when they come round, is reassuring.’
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